do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
