You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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