hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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