Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
