Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
