you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
