If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
