i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
