Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
