she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Randomize
