I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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