They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
