I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
