btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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