Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
