My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
