Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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