Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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