I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
