"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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