Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
