If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
