I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
