If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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