Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
