i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
