Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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