I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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