Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
