new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
