The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
