captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
