my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
