how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
