Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
