That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
