I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
