i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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