i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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