sarcasm needs its own font
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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