I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
