I puked a lego.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
