last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I pour the whiskey from now on
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
