Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
