So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
