He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
it's great music for shaving your balls
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
