I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
