Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
