Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
