You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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