dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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