I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
